Celebrity Fashion Watch

If there was one thing missing in my life (and in reality there are lots, including, but not limited to, calorie-free cheese, indestructible leather, and self-laundering underwear), it was this.

I don’t know how I lived before encountering this dress. My life was incomplete and I didn’t even know it. The illusion netting! The sequins! The contrast-colored boobs! The messy chiffon fishtail! It’s amazing!

Miss Poland, Marina Casomething, is wearing it here to some kind of horse-racing thing in Australia, and no I don’t know why Miss Poland is in Australia, nor why she’s so gussied up for a horse-racing event, but I don’t care because that is just not good enough for this dress. This dress needs to go to Las Vegas and get ripped while trying to break into a hotel pool. This dress needs to be worn in a “Miss Tenderloin” pageant and to the subsequent coke-fueled victory party where someone will take pictures on their cell, resulting in rehab for the wearer and worldwide fame for the dress. This dress needs to be on ALL the back “Fashion Police” pages of ALL the trashy celebrity magazines, with captions by anonymous comedians.

Miss Poland, Melbourne Grand Prix Ball, Fashion, Style, Celebrities, Gossip

I like my face. It talks, it eats, and it doesn’t have the imprint of Naomi Campbell’s cell phone on it.

In the interest of keeping it that way, I am not going to say anything negative about this very strange harness boob-contraption she’s wearing. It’s lovely. As is the sheared sheepdog coat and enormous purse. In fact, I’m crazy about the whole schizophrenic get-up, from the naughty-flapper wig haircut to the necklace that falls under the boob harness. Gorgeous, head to toe, and not at all like the genetically engineered offspring of Kerry Washington, a horse, and a starving orphan.

Naomi Campbell, Fugly

Dear Lindsay,

Can I call you Lindsay? Because I feel like I know you, what with all the pondering of your picture I do. Great. So this is a busy time of year for me, awards season, you know, lots of pictures of actors and actresses and singers and all that sort to think up new and inventive insults for. I would like to remove you from the list of people I have to insult, not only because it’s a lot of work for me, but also because sometimes you get it so close to right that I feel like with just a leeetle bit of help you could be lovely.

Like this dress, that you wore to some dinner hosted by Sienna Miller.

Now I understand that you were in direct competition with Sienna Miller, who is liable to wear something insane like her bathing suit with a porkpie hat, or sandals laced up the outside of her jeans, but that does not excuse this. Especially because I have this vague feeling in the back of my brain that I would really like this dress, but that feeling is more or less drowned out by the voice that is screaming “Dear heavenly crapola, girl, how hard is it to cover up your niblets!? I mean, shee-it, I do it on a daily basis, and my bank account is thinner than you used to be!”

You can see what I’m talking about, although it really isn’t anything we haven’t seen before, and it ruins a perfectly nice dress, after the jump.
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This is how Mariah Carey does classy ladylike. She’s at the opening of Oprah Winfrey’s School of Female Leadership and Nail Salons, or whatever, in South Africa.

Seriously, Mariah (I refuse to call you Mimi), just because there are pearls in the general vicinity does not mean you can show us your bajongas and still look classy. All the pearls in the world could not make a peek of bra and cheap-looking tiger-print ladylike.

Mariah Carey, Oprah Winfrey, South Africa

Oh Britney, Britney, Britney. . .

I drank my body weight in champagne last night, and currently feel like my tongue is wearing a sweater, and after posting this I will go directly back to the very dark bedroom, but I CANNOT let this slide. Why do you do this to yourself? I mean, you realize you look like a cross-dressing linebacker, right? And, as confusing as your fashion choices are, I somehow doubt transvestite-linebacker chic was the look you were going for here.

On a side note, I sincerely hope you didn’t get out of any cars last night. And if you did, you were wearing full-coverage granny panties.

New Years’ Eve, Britney Spears, Las Vegas, Pure Nightclub, Caesar’s Palace

Here’s hoping that, um, medallion thing has magical underwear-generating powers, because judging from the length of that dress, I’d give 60-40 odds on more pictures of Brit’s coonanny.

I’ll tell you what kind of powers that thing DOESN’T have; weight-loss, anti-gravity, or hair-washing.

Britney Spears, Fashion, Style, Celebrities, Candids