Celebrity Fashion Watch

Boo!

All Hallow’s Eve is finally here. Everywhere we go, we see scary monsters on shop windows, scary ghosts hung from ceilings in restaurants, scary lanterns on front porches… and scary celebs on magazines covers.

A bad hair day is totally ok. That is, for you and me. But for those in Hollywood, one small boo-boo is enough to scare the beegeezus out of us. Let’s take a recap of those stars who scared the hell out of us.

Cover your eyes. This could get ugly.

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Ok. Now it’s safe to say that Britney has totally lost it. Her attempts on getting her life back on track seem to be heading down south…and it’s bringing her fashion sense along with it. Everything is hideously revolting, and yet she looks so proud to be in them. Get a life Brit… and on the way there, get a better stylist.

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Sienna Miller’s inner monologue at the Factory Girl afterparty.

SIENNA MILLER: Oh my god, shit! That’s a camera. Usually that’s a good thing but I totally forgot my pants. SHHHIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!! I have no pants on, only my tights and some granny panties, and they’re taking pictures. Okay, smile. Smile BIG. I know I look like a rabid raccoon, but maybe they’ll be distracted by the freakish length of my canines and won’t notice that I’m only wearing control-top Hanes Her Way briefs and really shiny, really oddly shiny tights with my skinned badger shirt and actually fairly cute shiny clutch.

Sienna Miller, Factory Girl, Premiere, Red Carpet, Afterparty, Edie Sedgwick

I think Beyonce is wearing a pretty dress, here. I don’t know, I’m totally distracted by her armpits.

What’s going on here, exactly? Is she proving to her mother that she did too shave her armpits, like a good girl? Is she angling for a deodorant campaign? Is she doing a really unsubtle B.O. check? All I know is that I can barely see her bangin’ curves and sparkle-fabulous gown for all the pit action. This is the second time she’s rocked this piteous pose (see what I did there? Pit + hideous = piteous! I should do stand-up.), and it hasn’t improved with the addition of a second arm.

Beyonce, Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls Paris Premiere, Fugly

Here it is, Part Dos of my Most Horrible Celebrity Fashion Moments of 2006. I hope you have as much evil fun reading it as I did writing it.

5.

Oh, honey. Is this some kind of joke? You look like I did when I made the cheerleading team in 9th grade and as part of our “initiation” the older girls made us wear all, and by all I mean all, their really old, really ugly clothes to school, along with signs poking fun at our own shortcomings. You’re missing the sign, but I imagine it would say something like “I’m Gwen, and I think I can wear anything. But I’m way wrong.”

4.

I almost hate to poke fun here, because Melissa Joan Hart looks so proud of herself. But maybe she’s just proud of her sewing skills, because she managed to rip the shiny vinyl cover off a booth seat from Ruby’s 50’s Diner and make it into a dress.

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Because this is a blog, and I’m pretty sure I’m contractually obligated to provide at least one “Top Somethings of 2006″ at this time of year, and because Best Week Ever already stole my idea for “The Top 10 Top 10 Lists of 2006,” but mostly because I enjoy being vicious to celebrities, here it is. . . .(insert drum roll here). . .Laura’s Favorite Horrible Fashion Moments of 2006 (Part 1): (I’ll be nice some other time)

10.

Dear God, Spawn of Trump, how many ruffles do you need?

9.

This was worn to perform on “So You Think You Can Dance” last summer (a masterful piece of television, and fun for the whole family including crazy Aunt Glenda). I know because I was watching this episode, and when Nelly Furtado and her Pantaloons of Horror came up on the screen I let out an actual yelp and, I think, spilled most of a bowl of popcorn.

8.

This is not obviously bad. . .it was even featured as one of InStyle’s “Look(s) of the Day,” although if you follow said Looks as closely as I do, you would know that’s not quite the honor it seems to be. It’s her thighs that get me. Did she know those tights would have that amount of show-through, and thus give her legs an extremely non-slimming swath of shininess down the middle?

7.

I’m just curious, and I thought maybe by posting this a lovely and astute reader could explain it to me. What exactly is that belt holding up?
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I’m not sure what is going on in this picture, but it looks like it hurts. I’ve gone through several hypotheses. . .super-strength-this-dress-ain’t-moving-without-paint-thinner-and-pliers double-stick tape? A very suddenly and dramatically rippled breast implant? Lord Snorku trying to escape at last from his human host?

Add this to this, and it’s clear Beyonce’s got issues I’ve never dreamed about.

Beyonce, Beyonce Knowles, Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls Hollywood Premiere

Okay, I get that we’re dressing in character here, Matt. . .can I call you Matt? Great. And I really applaud your sense of dedication to the character. I hear it’s a great movie, if a leeetle, you know, weepy. But don’t you think we could have found a way to dress in character, if you really feel that’s necessary, without looking like creepy Uncle Matt, the one who drinks too much at Thanksgiving and always pats you on the butt and wants to know about your sex life?

I’m just saying.

Mathew McConaughey, We Are Marshall, Fashion, Style, Celebrities

I hesitated to post this picture, because I’m not sure it really matches the “theme” I’m going for here at Celebrity Fashion Watch. I’ll break it down for you; “Celebrity” as in really famous people, although actually doing something interesting is not necessarily required (see previous post), “Fashion” as in shmancy clothes, or really any kind of clothes at all, and “Watch” as in, well, looking at.

So you tell me. Does this double monstrosity of scariness qualify under any of those?

These two are famous, I guess, but I’m not sure what they’re wearing should be termed “clothing.” I’m not even sure it should be termed “blankets for that homeless guy who lives in my dumpster.” And I’m REALLY sure I don’t want to look at it.

Dakota Fanning, Andre 3000, Charlotte’s Web, Premieres