Celebrity Fashion Watch

Sienna, honey,
Can I call you Sienna? It’s better than Princess of Sluttyenna or whatever it is that Perez Hilton calls you, isn’t it? Great. How are you feeling? Enjoying the buzz around Factory Girl? The whole thing was a bit before my time but I love the chauffer’s caps and tights with little dresses enough that I might just see that movie. I bet you’re enjoying Sundance. You look like you’re enjoying Sundance.

And you keep looking like this, Sundance will sure be enjoying you. See, Sienna my pet, you don’t have to wear porkpie hats with your bathing suit to get attention. You can get good attention, positive attention, non-gagging attention, when you look pretty!

Incidentally, how’d you get so tan in the middle of January?

Celebrity, Fashion, Sienna Miller, Sundance, Factory Girl

You know how sometimes you’ll look at a picture or an outfit and your very first reaction is something along the lines of “ew,” but then you’ll look at it some more and maybe notice some things you hadn’t the first time, and you’ll start to think that maybe it’s okay, but just okay, and then you look at it a little more and suddenly find yourself actually liking it?

That’s the opposite of what happened to me with this picture of Kate Holmes. (Oh my god, I just called her Kate. Tom must have brainwashed me in my sleep. Oh my god, I’m serious, I totally just thought of her as “Kate” and not “Katie.” I need an intervention.) My inner monologue went something like this: “Hm, bitch doesn’t look half bad. Well, her head looks kinda big but that’s probably just the angle. Although her shoulders are looking bony. Actually, really bony. And her head’s enormous. And why is she wearing red lipstick with that turquoise dress? Is that turquoise? Maybe it’s more of a seafoam. Either way, I don’t like the red lipstick with it. Seriously, don’t like it at all. She looks like a bobble-head doll in a used prom dress. Why is there a picture of just her legs here? Ew, man calves. Wait, is she wearing spanx? OH MY GOD, she’s showing me her spanx. SHE’S A BOBBLE-HEAD DOLL IN A USED PROM DRESS WHO IS FLASHING HER CONTROL-TOP GRANNIES!”

Katie Holmes, Armani, Paris Couture Shows, Tom Cruise

I think Beyonce is wearing a pretty dress, here. I don’t know, I’m totally distracted by her armpits.

What’s going on here, exactly? Is she proving to her mother that she did too shave her armpits, like a good girl? Is she angling for a deodorant campaign? Is she doing a really unsubtle B.O. check? All I know is that I can barely see her bangin’ curves and sparkle-fabulous gown for all the pit action. This is the second time she’s rocked this piteous pose (see what I did there? Pit + hideous = piteous! I should do stand-up.), and it hasn’t improved with the addition of a second arm.

Beyonce, Dreamgirls, Dreamgirls Paris Premiere, Fugly

I like my face. It talks, it eats, and it doesn’t have the imprint of Naomi Campbell’s cell phone on it.

In the interest of keeping it that way, I am not going to say anything negative about this very strange harness boob-contraption she’s wearing. It’s lovely. As is the sheared sheepdog coat and enormous purse. In fact, I’m crazy about the whole schizophrenic get-up, from the naughty-flapper wig haircut to the necklace that falls under the boob harness. Gorgeous, head to toe, and not at all like the genetically engineered offspring of Kerry Washington, a horse, and a starving orphan.

Naomi Campbell, Fugly

This is how I like my Gwen.

Oh Gwen, you look lovely. So soft, so sexy, no crazy black-hole hairstyle, no weirdly 70’s straight wig, no Gucci-knockoff double G logo, and no sunglasses! When you dress like this, I remember how freaking gorgeous you are and I forgive you the weird chula phase, and the violent rape of “The Lonely Goatherd,” and all the other formerly unforgivable things you’ve done. That’s how great you look here.

However, you keep your dirty remixing mitts off “Climb Every Mountain” or I will seriously bitch-slap you.

NRJ Music Awards, Cannes, Gwen Stefani

As she got out of her limousine at The Critic’s Choice Awards, Jennifer Garner prayed silently to whoever was in charge up there. . .even if it was that nutcase J. Lo and her zombie “husband”. . .that no one would notice that 5 minutes ago, her dress had been pulled from the bottom of a hamper filled with damp towels.

Maybe they’ll think it’s a fashion statement, she prayed. Wrinkled is the new black!

Jennifer Garner, Stella McCartney, The Critic’s Choice Awards

This is the second “Beautiful Man of The Week,” and also the second about which there are gay rumors. But I honestly, truly, really could care less. Boy’s just waiting for me to straighten him out! Jake, call me!

Jake Gyllenhaal, GQ Magazine, Magazine Covers

Mischa Barton’s boyfriend, “musician” Cisco Adler, is rebellious and ironic. He doesn’t follow everybody’s else ideas of humor OR fashion. I know this because of the truly hilarious and totally ironic fake-tuxedo t-shirt he’s wearing. Get it? He’s too much of a rebel to wear a normal tuxedo like everyone else, you know, all those idiot movie stars making $20 million a picture. They’re such dumbasses.

Do you remember when these were funny, and not in a kind of sad, Chess-team way? Me neither. Maybe I wasn’t born yet.

Golden Globes, Mischa Barton, Cisco Adler

Kate Moss and Boy George Pete Doherty spent the weekend before her big 3-3 by killing large fluffy animals. Oh, and drinking beer. Clean as a whistle, that’s him.

More pictures of Kate and Pete, engulfed in polar bears and taking a stroll in the Cotswolds- wherever the hell that is. Bitch even makes galoshes look stylish. Oh, and images courtesy of Popsugar.

Update:And here she is, in the same bear fugly jacket (get it, bear fugly/bare fugly! Haha, I’m so witty), except this time falling down smack-ass wasted. Somehow, it doesn’t improve the look.

Kate Moss, Pete Doherty

I love me some Ugly Betty(who doesn’t?). But while most people talk about Betty and how she’s so funny and inspirational and crap like that, I am personally much more of an Amanda fan. You know, blonde, sharply dressed, raging bitch, point-perfect sneer?

But my admiration for Amanda is not why I love Becki Newton, here, at the Golden Globes. It’s her dress. More specifically, it’s the color of her dress, and how it is the exact same shade as this cushion-cut emerald ring that I saw once and obsessed about for a solid year in college, complete with getting-that-boyfriend-I-didn’t-really-want-to-marry-to-propose-just-for-that-ring fantasies.

If I were like Amanda (okay, more like Amanda), I might say that I wish she’d done a bit more with the bust area, and a little black velvet belt with a gold brooch might help with the slightly thick-waisted thing she’s got going on, but because I’m a nice person (damnit!), I will only say that it’s a lovely color on her, and gold jewelry and simple hair were perfect choices, and I still really want that ring.

Golden Globes 2007, Golden Globes Red Carpet, Golden Globes Red Carpet Fashion, Ugly Betty, Becki Newton

Oh Cameron, Cameron, Cameron. Honey, I know you’re hurting. I would be too, if I lost the deliciousness that is Justin. Maybe it was all an accident. . .because I do feel like this dress was really cute, if a little feather-duster frou-frou hide-the-toilet-paper cutesy, and then someone got drunk and glued a tutu to your shoulder. Maybe it was Scarlett Johanssen.

So, yeah, you ruined a perfectly good dress. I’m more intrigued by the 7.3 inches of bling on your left ring finger. Either you are one of those kind of annoying people who don’t hold that finger sacred and wear lots of bling there, which I hate, because how am I supposed to dicuss your marital status if I can’t be sure what that is? And what’s going to happen to US Weekly’s zoom-in artists, if they can’t publish giant blow-ups of your ring finger under a headline like “FINALLY GETTING HITCHED??” Or maybe you and beautiful Justin are playing some kind of sick game with my heart, offering Justin up as a possibility, however distant, and then snatching it away. Or you’ve already met someone else, probably some cameraman or backup dancer or similarly unlikely loser, fell in love, and gotten married. It’s Hollywood, it could happen, and it would be forgiven. I will be expecting a baby bump any minute now.

Cameron Diaz, Golden Globes 2007, Golden Globes Red Carpet, Red Carpet, Justin Timberlake

There are two explanations for this dress.

Either Beyonce is doing some kind of homage to the Golden Globes, by dressing golden-ly and also shining up her globes so they are at their most golden, or she’s trying out “subliminal dressing,” trying to get us to nominate her for an Oscar by dressing like one.

I’m pretty sure it’s the latter, but she failed, because I’m less reminded of her acting than I am of this disco-themed party I went to last summer, where the invitations had gold glitter in the envelopes and exhorted you to “do your best Diana Summer impersonation” and “the shinier, the better!”

Golden Globes 2007, Red Carpet, Golden Globes Red Carpet, Beyonce, Dreamgirls

Dear Lindsay,

Can I call you Lindsay? Because I feel like I know you, what with all the pondering of your picture I do. Great. So this is a busy time of year for me, awards season, you know, lots of pictures of actors and actresses and singers and all that sort to think up new and inventive insults for. I would like to remove you from the list of people I have to insult, not only because it’s a lot of work for me, but also because sometimes you get it so close to right that I feel like with just a leeetle bit of help you could be lovely.

Like this dress, that you wore to some dinner hosted by Sienna Miller.

Now I understand that you were in direct competition with Sienna Miller, who is liable to wear something insane like her bathing suit with a porkpie hat, or sandals laced up the outside of her jeans, but that does not excuse this. Especially because I have this vague feeling in the back of my brain that I would really like this dress, but that feeling is more or less drowned out by the voice that is screaming “Dear heavenly crapola, girl, how hard is it to cover up your niblets!? I mean, shee-it, I do it on a daily basis, and my bank account is thinner than you used to be!”

You can see what I’m talking about, although it really isn’t anything we haven’t seen before, and it ruins a perfectly nice dress, after the jump.
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I’m very confused by Cameron Diaz’s outfit at The People’s Choice Awards. She’s just broken up with Justin Timberlake after 4 years, which I’m not even going to pretend to be sad about, and she’s at the first big major photo op after said break-up. The boy’s just left her, and he’s going to see her tonight. Usually, when faced with this situation, a girl goes one of two routes.

Either she is so utterly devastated and bereft down to her very soul that getting dressed, or even brushing her hair, seem like very minor considerations. This is often accompanied by dead eyes and bad breath. Vince Vaughn did it perfectly at this very event, if you need an example.

Or she puts space-shuttle-type resources toward looking effing fabulous and dresses for that stupid event like it’s the freaking Oscars. She drags her girlfriends around town for a solid week looking for the absolute hottest dress and most killer shoes, she gets fulling coiffed and facialed and waxed, and she flirts and laughs like it’s the best day of her damn life.

Cameron Diaz did not go either of these routes.

She seems to be subtly trying to drive him to drink, in a dress that looks like those cheaply overdecorated matching martini-glass sets from Cost Plus World Market. It’s an interesting tactic, Cameron, but if JT has moved on to the lusciousness that is Scarlett Johanssen as the rumors say, you’d have been better off downing a couple of those martinis yourself, at home. Without brushing your hair.

I’ve decided this is a new feature here at CFW. Because I get to make the decisions. And it’s been awhile since I had a boyfriend who wasn’t a jackass with a broken nose, so I need some eye candy. And if he’s gay, as the bloggers like to say, it’s only because he hasn’t met me yet!

Pretty, pretty man!

Wentworth Says:
“No, I’m not gay. I know these rumours are out there … I’m cool with the fact that they exist, I mean this is about fantasy. Certain people are going to have certain fantasies, if someone wants to imagine me with a woman, or a man or one of each that’s cool with me as long as you keep watching the show.�? (Source)